Sex and Tears

The last week has been quite a rough one for me.  Last Monday my husband (lets call him Jack) and I had a discussion that resulted in my feelings getting very hurt.  I have noticed that I have been a lot more sensitive lately to numerous things in my life.  I haven't quite figured out where this is coming from, but I'll let you know when I do.  Jack and I were discussing my future career and I was asking him his opinion on where he thought I should take my next step.  I am currently in a work situation that is not very stable and quite frankly makes me sorta miserable.  I am really ready to take that next step into a career I know I want to make part of my life and not just another job.  To make a long story short I misinterpreted was he was saying and it really upset me.  That was just the beginning of a long spiral of emotional things throughout the next week.  

I am really working on being more vulnerable in my marriage because I think that will help me let loose sexually with Jack the way I would eventually like too.  I feel as though the last couple of days I have had a whirlwind of revelations that struck quite a few difficult conversations and heavy emotions.  Jack and I were at my best friend and her husband's house last night.  We were watching some raunchy television and enjoying a few glasses of wine.  I was excited to hurry home and get Jack naked when all the sudden our conversation on the drive home took a turn for the worst.  I don't even know how it began but I guess a few glasses of liquid courage kept me from sugar coating things.  All the sudden I blurted "I feel like no matter how much sex we have it is never going to be enough for you."  Its not that I feel as though I'm not giving him enough sex but I have no idea if he is even enjoying what he is getting. I began telling him what I needed from him, which is incredibly difficult for me.  It became not just sexual but in our marriage overall.  I need more words of affirmation in the bed and in our everyday life.  I didn't even know that was something I needed more of until we just began talking it through.  

Don't worry we are getting to the sex.

Last night was tough, there was no sex but just tears and the realization there are things we need to work on.  Tonight was just as tough.  I am constantly trying to become the "freak in the sheets" that every man desires.  I am taking baby steps, but unfortunately they are very small.  I had an x-boyfriend years ago that broke my heart, ripped it to shreds, and burned it by cheating on me.  That is something I have carried with me for years.  There was never any closure to the relationship which resulted in years of serious baggage and distrust for any man in my future.  I learned tonight that Jack is still unfairly having to deal with that baggage.  I found that I am insecurely suspicious sometimes.  I never snoop but often want to.  I never doubt that he loves me but sometimes I find myself thinking about how easy it would be for him to cheat on me.  He has a profession that would allow it without me ever having a clue.  Just recently has this started to cross my mind a lot more often.  Jack is a man of great integrity and respect.  Deep in my heart I know he does everything in his power to be pure but sometimes my mind gets the best of me.  I brought up these concerns tonight and I could see the wheels turning in his head.  What a blow!  Last night I tell him I am not getting enough from him and tonight I tell him I can't trust him.  What a hell of a week so far for Jack.  He is amazing.  He just responds with " I just need to come up with ways to assure you that you don't have anything to worry about.  I just need to be better for you." 

After that conversation we had some of the best sex we've ever had.  He told me how great it was and without him even verbally telling me I already knew.  As soon as we were done I was overwhelmed with so many emotions I just began to silently cry.  I had no idea why and whether they were tears of joy or sadness, but I knew I felt relieved.  

I think I'll wake him up so we can do it again.
 

(Courtesy of Google Images)

Not Enough

I am lying in bed again tonight not sleeping.  I am awake because I can feel my heart literally aching. My husband is asleep next to me and I just begin to cry. 

Here is what I am feeling:

Pain.
Insufficient.
Exhaustion.
Failure.
Love.
Lost.
Insecure.
Doubt.

Since I have starting blogging....I sleep less.


I am not sure if I am not enough for everyone else or if I am just not enough for myself.

As dark as it gets for me

When I first began this blog I decided I wanted to keep as many details about myself hidden. Well, I think that needs to change.  I was lying in bed tonight...not sleeping...and analyzing my sexual relationship with my husband.  I am really trying to get to the bottom of some of the reasons why I am the way I am.  I will get to that at a later date...it's probably going to take some liquid courage for me to reveal that part of my life. Needless to say I think some of it boils down to me living a very secretive life in a lot of areas.  So this is an attempt of me letting it all out.  These are some of the juiciest details of my life exposed.  

I started masterbating when I was in 7th grade....it always made me feel shameful, but I could never stop.  It continues to make me associate sexuality with shame. 

I fell in love with an army boy who then continued to screw me up for 3 years.  He is mostly responsible for me needing a therapist.  

That led to me becoming a lip slut.  I have kissed almost every male friend I have with the exceptions of the ones I met after meeting my husband.  

When I was 21 I got a tattoo as a promise to God and my future husband that I would stay pure until marriage.  I don’t tell people this because I didn’t stay pure and I am ashamed.  

I lost my virginity when I was 22 to my best guy friend who I had no romantic feelings for. Biggest mistake of my life and we don’t speak anymore.

I am responsible for two of my best friends losing their virginity also.  When they found out I did it...they then had sex for the first time....on the same day. I still feel guilty for this.

My husband and I had sex before marriage.  We continually tried hard not to do it which then turned into sex only once a month. My family doesn’t know because it would devastate them. They think we were virgins when we got married.  

My blog is my therapist.  Since I have started writing in the past few weeks I can already tell a difference in myself.  

A couple of things that have changed:

• I am not in any better shape than I was last week but I am noticing the good qualities of my body that I still have instead of all the things I hate.
• I am really trying to make a decision about what my next steps in my future might be, instead of just avoiding them.
• I am having more sex with my husband.
• I am praying more.

I feel incredibly vulnerable right now but I think this is a huge step in my journey.  I hate it.  

Independently Married

I have been doing quite a lot of soul searching over the past few months.  I am in a strange place in my life right now.  I am still newly married enough to enjoy new experiences with each other every day while discovering the security as well as the frailty of marriage.  I feel as though I have a very established life but at the same time I am seeking for where my place is.  I am still really seeking what I should be doing with the rest of my life. I’m searching for where I can make the most impact, where/how I can help the most people, and at the same time enjoy being fulfilled.  I thought that at this point in my life I would have all that figured out.  Little did I know I am just beginning.

Since I have been married I feel as though I am finding myself more everyday, but at the same time I feel as though I have lost a lot of who I am.  I think back to when my husband and I were first dating.  I was freshly out of college with a rock star first job.  I conquered some major hurdles in college that allowed me to see that I was capable of doing anything I wanted to do.  I felt like I was on top of the world and ready to tame it.

As time went by I become an “us” instead of just a “me.”  I used to be that girl on the side of the road changing her flat tire all by herself. My first flat tire after we began dating was when I began to realize I was losing that independence.  I didn’t even think twice about calling him to come to my rescue.  I slowly began to rely more and more on him. I am not too dependent on him because I know I am fully capable of doing things myself, but bottom line is why would I want to do them myself when I can have him help?

I have friends who are married and still have separate bank account and completely keep their finances separate. They are so independent from one another that it is hard to even see it as a marriage. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, it is different for everyone, but for me I would have a hard time feeling as though we were anything more than just roommates.  The whole point of marriage is to have someone to go through life WITH you.  

So how do we find the middle ground of being a strong independent woman, but at the same time allowing ourselves to be led by a man in a relationship?  I love that I have a strong man, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.  I just want to be that strong woman for him, one that depends on him because I want too, not because I have too...the woman he fell in love with.  I may not miss some of the things I used to do or the decisions I made in the past, but I do miss who I was.  I want to be that confident, strong, sexy woman that is just as attractive married as she was single. I don’t mean physically attractive, but the woman that radiates confidence and can make decisions for herself.  

I haven’t quite figured out my middle ground yet.  I haven’t lost myself but I think I might just be in hiding for awhile.  I can tell I am making progress in all areas of my life.  I feel I am becoming more vulnerable to my husband, which is something I constantly battle because I never want to appear weak.  I am slowly finding my confidence again and what it is that can build it and take it away.  I know I will get back to that place but I know it takes work to get there.  

Not a GIRL's girl

Every one has met that girl that only has male friends.  She says she gets along alright with girls but for some reason she just doesn’t seem to have any girlfriends.  How do you get that girl to begin those relationships?  How do you make them see the purity of having women to confide it, and not seek the unhealthy attention from the men?

I used to be that girl.  When I was in college I had a couple of girlfriends that I was really close to but for the most part I had a plethora of male friends.  I enjoyed hanging out with those guys and spent most of my free time doing so.  I would have picked hanging out with a group of guys over hanging out with a group of girls any night of the week.  Back then I think I found a sense of security in being with a group of guys.  I never really cared what they thought of me and usually when your in a group of girls it is harder to be that carefree.  Girls judge girls, that is what we do and I just never wanted to surround myself with that.  I also found confidence in the attention the guys brought me.  There is nothing stronger than the attention from a male that can make a woman feel good about herself (except for maybe a sexy pair of new shoes.) It’s like a drug and can become addicting.  I think that is what happened to me. My intentions in the beginning were pure, but after I was denied the attention from the man I wanted it from I turned to any man that would give it to me.  It became my high and I continued to seek the attention from the wrong source.  It wasn’t sexual for me, well maybe some of it was, but most of it was purely just the company of a male presence that I knew adored me.  They weren’t boyfriends, they were really “just friends” and maybe a few with benefits.  

So how do we make that transition from being a guy’s girl to being a girl’s girl?  I always had a few girls I was close with but it wasn’t until I really starting becoming a woman that I started truly confiding in my girl friends.  As I got older they became my security, my insecurity, my confidence, my wisdom and my confidants. Our relationships then became real.  Real relationships with women can be tough because you have to face the things that make you feel uncomfortable.  Sometimes being with them can make me feel insecure, but that has nothing to do with them.  It has to do with me and what is going on inside me.  It forces me to look inside and fix whatever it is that is causing me to feel that way.  Sometimes it isn’t all dreamy like a relationship with a good male friend can be.  It can be messy and painful, but it can also be the most uplifting relationship of them all.  Your girlfriends can lift you up when you are low, lighten you up when you are dark, and help shape your life in the direction you need it to go.   

Every girl deserves to have this kind of relationship.  If you don’t have one, then take a look at your heart and try to discover why.  What is it that entices you about having so many relationships/friendships with men?  What is it about a friendship with a girl that chases you away.  Get real with yourself and find it, because these are the relationships that you will have forever.  Male friends can only stick around so long.  Once you move into the next chapter of your life and have a boyfriend or a husband those male friendships, no matter how strong they are, will change or fade away.  The women stick around and will be there through it all.  That is worth taking a risk for.  A new friend is exciting so branch out and find one!

My journey to find her

I am going to begin by pouring a bit of my heart out and telling you why I am writing this blog.  Writing has always allowed me to be able to communicate better what I am truly feeling not only with others but mainly with myself.  It allows me to look inside my heart, figure things out, and help me be who I really want to be.  

It has been years since I have written.  I discovered over the last few years that for me writer's block came with happiness. I fell in love and then had no more pain to write about. Life isn't just about being in love and even when you are in head over heels, still give me butterflies love there are always things in your life that are going to be a challenge.  Love can be just as painful as heartbreak and in relationships, marriage and life as a whole there are plenty of topics to cover.

I have a passion for helping others and I feel this could be my voice to the world.  I think most women out there are searching for who they really want to be and I hope this can be a way for others to investigate how to get where they need to be.

So this is me....trying to find the person I truly want to be and this is going to be the beginning of my journey to find her. So as I begin, I am hoping that I can touch someone else's life along the way.