Independently Married

I have been doing quite a lot of soul searching over the past few months.  I am in a strange place in my life right now.  I am still newly married enough to enjoy new experiences with each other every day while discovering the security as well as the frailty of marriage.  I feel as though I have a very established life but at the same time I am seeking for where my place is.  I am still really seeking what I should be doing with the rest of my life. I’m searching for where I can make the most impact, where/how I can help the most people, and at the same time enjoy being fulfilled.  I thought that at this point in my life I would have all that figured out.  Little did I know I am just beginning.

Since I have been married I feel as though I am finding myself more everyday, but at the same time I feel as though I have lost a lot of who I am.  I think back to when my husband and I were first dating.  I was freshly out of college with a rock star first job.  I conquered some major hurdles in college that allowed me to see that I was capable of doing anything I wanted to do.  I felt like I was on top of the world and ready to tame it.

As time went by I become an “us” instead of just a “me.”  I used to be that girl on the side of the road changing her flat tire all by herself. My first flat tire after we began dating was when I began to realize I was losing that independence.  I didn’t even think twice about calling him to come to my rescue.  I slowly began to rely more and more on him. I am not too dependent on him because I know I am fully capable of doing things myself, but bottom line is why would I want to do them myself when I can have him help?

I have friends who are married and still have separate bank account and completely keep their finances separate. They are so independent from one another that it is hard to even see it as a marriage. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, it is different for everyone, but for me I would have a hard time feeling as though we were anything more than just roommates.  The whole point of marriage is to have someone to go through life WITH you.  

So how do we find the middle ground of being a strong independent woman, but at the same time allowing ourselves to be led by a man in a relationship?  I love that I have a strong man, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.  I just want to be that strong woman for him, one that depends on him because I want too, not because I have too...the woman he fell in love with.  I may not miss some of the things I used to do or the decisions I made in the past, but I do miss who I was.  I want to be that confident, strong, sexy woman that is just as attractive married as she was single. I don’t mean physically attractive, but the woman that radiates confidence and can make decisions for herself.  

I haven’t quite figured out my middle ground yet.  I haven’t lost myself but I think I might just be in hiding for awhile.  I can tell I am making progress in all areas of my life.  I feel I am becoming more vulnerable to my husband, which is something I constantly battle because I never want to appear weak.  I am slowly finding my confidence again and what it is that can build it and take it away.  I know I will get back to that place but I know it takes work to get there.  

Not a GIRL's girl

Every one has met that girl that only has male friends.  She says she gets along alright with girls but for some reason she just doesn’t seem to have any girlfriends.  How do you get that girl to begin those relationships?  How do you make them see the purity of having women to confide it, and not seek the unhealthy attention from the men?

I used to be that girl.  When I was in college I had a couple of girlfriends that I was really close to but for the most part I had a plethora of male friends.  I enjoyed hanging out with those guys and spent most of my free time doing so.  I would have picked hanging out with a group of guys over hanging out with a group of girls any night of the week.  Back then I think I found a sense of security in being with a group of guys.  I never really cared what they thought of me and usually when your in a group of girls it is harder to be that carefree.  Girls judge girls, that is what we do and I just never wanted to surround myself with that.  I also found confidence in the attention the guys brought me.  There is nothing stronger than the attention from a male that can make a woman feel good about herself (except for maybe a sexy pair of new shoes.) It’s like a drug and can become addicting.  I think that is what happened to me. My intentions in the beginning were pure, but after I was denied the attention from the man I wanted it from I turned to any man that would give it to me.  It became my high and I continued to seek the attention from the wrong source.  It wasn’t sexual for me, well maybe some of it was, but most of it was purely just the company of a male presence that I knew adored me.  They weren’t boyfriends, they were really “just friends” and maybe a few with benefits.  

So how do we make that transition from being a guy’s girl to being a girl’s girl?  I always had a few girls I was close with but it wasn’t until I really starting becoming a woman that I started truly confiding in my girl friends.  As I got older they became my security, my insecurity, my confidence, my wisdom and my confidants. Our relationships then became real.  Real relationships with women can be tough because you have to face the things that make you feel uncomfortable.  Sometimes being with them can make me feel insecure, but that has nothing to do with them.  It has to do with me and what is going on inside me.  It forces me to look inside and fix whatever it is that is causing me to feel that way.  Sometimes it isn’t all dreamy like a relationship with a good male friend can be.  It can be messy and painful, but it can also be the most uplifting relationship of them all.  Your girlfriends can lift you up when you are low, lighten you up when you are dark, and help shape your life in the direction you need it to go.   

Every girl deserves to have this kind of relationship.  If you don’t have one, then take a look at your heart and try to discover why.  What is it that entices you about having so many relationships/friendships with men?  What is it about a friendship with a girl that chases you away.  Get real with yourself and find it, because these are the relationships that you will have forever.  Male friends can only stick around so long.  Once you move into the next chapter of your life and have a boyfriend or a husband those male friendships, no matter how strong they are, will change or fade away.  The women stick around and will be there through it all.  That is worth taking a risk for.  A new friend is exciting so branch out and find one!

My journey to find her

I am going to begin by pouring a bit of my heart out and telling you why I am writing this blog.  Writing has always allowed me to be able to communicate better what I am truly feeling not only with others but mainly with myself.  It allows me to look inside my heart, figure things out, and help me be who I really want to be.  

It has been years since I have written.  I discovered over the last few years that for me writer's block came with happiness. I fell in love and then had no more pain to write about. Life isn't just about being in love and even when you are in head over heels, still give me butterflies love there are always things in your life that are going to be a challenge.  Love can be just as painful as heartbreak and in relationships, marriage and life as a whole there are plenty of topics to cover.

I have a passion for helping others and I feel this could be my voice to the world.  I think most women out there are searching for who they really want to be and I hope this can be a way for others to investigate how to get where they need to be.

So this is me....trying to find the person I truly want to be and this is going to be the beginning of my journey to find her. So as I begin, I am hoping that I can touch someone else's life along the way.