Sex and Tears

The last week has been quite a rough one for me.  Last Monday my husband (lets call him Jack) and I had a discussion that resulted in my feelings getting very hurt.  I have noticed that I have been a lot more sensitive lately to numerous things in my life.  I haven't quite figured out where this is coming from, but I'll let you know when I do.  Jack and I were discussing my future career and I was asking him his opinion on where he thought I should take my next step.  I am currently in a work situation that is not very stable and quite frankly makes me sorta miserable.  I am really ready to take that next step into a career I know I want to make part of my life and not just another job.  To make a long story short I misinterpreted was he was saying and it really upset me.  That was just the beginning of a long spiral of emotional things throughout the next week.  

I am really working on being more vulnerable in my marriage because I think that will help me let loose sexually with Jack the way I would eventually like too.  I feel as though the last couple of days I have had a whirlwind of revelations that struck quite a few difficult conversations and heavy emotions.  Jack and I were at my best friend and her husband's house last night.  We were watching some raunchy television and enjoying a few glasses of wine.  I was excited to hurry home and get Jack naked when all the sudden our conversation on the drive home took a turn for the worst.  I don't even know how it began but I guess a few glasses of liquid courage kept me from sugar coating things.  All the sudden I blurted "I feel like no matter how much sex we have it is never going to be enough for you."  Its not that I feel as though I'm not giving him enough sex but I have no idea if he is even enjoying what he is getting. I began telling him what I needed from him, which is incredibly difficult for me.  It became not just sexual but in our marriage overall.  I need more words of affirmation in the bed and in our everyday life.  I didn't even know that was something I needed more of until we just began talking it through.  

Don't worry we are getting to the sex.

Last night was tough, there was no sex but just tears and the realization there are things we need to work on.  Tonight was just as tough.  I am constantly trying to become the "freak in the sheets" that every man desires.  I am taking baby steps, but unfortunately they are very small.  I had an x-boyfriend years ago that broke my heart, ripped it to shreds, and burned it by cheating on me.  That is something I have carried with me for years.  There was never any closure to the relationship which resulted in years of serious baggage and distrust for any man in my future.  I learned tonight that Jack is still unfairly having to deal with that baggage.  I found that I am insecurely suspicious sometimes.  I never snoop but often want to.  I never doubt that he loves me but sometimes I find myself thinking about how easy it would be for him to cheat on me.  He has a profession that would allow it without me ever having a clue.  Just recently has this started to cross my mind a lot more often.  Jack is a man of great integrity and respect.  Deep in my heart I know he does everything in his power to be pure but sometimes my mind gets the best of me.  I brought up these concerns tonight and I could see the wheels turning in his head.  What a blow!  Last night I tell him I am not getting enough from him and tonight I tell him I can't trust him.  What a hell of a week so far for Jack.  He is amazing.  He just responds with " I just need to come up with ways to assure you that you don't have anything to worry about.  I just need to be better for you." 

After that conversation we had some of the best sex we've ever had.  He told me how great it was and without him even verbally telling me I already knew.  As soon as we were done I was overwhelmed with so many emotions I just began to silently cry.  I had no idea why and whether they were tears of joy or sadness, but I knew I felt relieved.  

I think I'll wake him up so we can do it again.
 

(Courtesy of Google Images)

Not Enough

I am lying in bed again tonight not sleeping.  I am awake because I can feel my heart literally aching. My husband is asleep next to me and I just begin to cry. 

Here is what I am feeling:

Pain.
Insufficient.
Exhaustion.
Failure.
Love.
Lost.
Insecure.
Doubt.

Since I have starting blogging....I sleep less.


I am not sure if I am not enough for everyone else or if I am just not enough for myself.

As dark as it gets for me

When I first began this blog I decided I wanted to keep as many details about myself hidden. Well, I think that needs to change.  I was lying in bed tonight...not sleeping...and analyzing my sexual relationship with my husband.  I am really trying to get to the bottom of some of the reasons why I am the way I am.  I will get to that at a later date...it's probably going to take some liquid courage for me to reveal that part of my life. Needless to say I think some of it boils down to me living a very secretive life in a lot of areas.  So this is an attempt of me letting it all out.  These are some of the juiciest details of my life exposed.  

I started masterbating when I was in 7th grade....it always made me feel shameful, but I could never stop.  It continues to make me associate sexuality with shame. 

I fell in love with an army boy who then continued to screw me up for 3 years.  He is mostly responsible for me needing a therapist.  

That led to me becoming a lip slut.  I have kissed almost every male friend I have with the exceptions of the ones I met after meeting my husband.  

When I was 21 I got a tattoo as a promise to God and my future husband that I would stay pure until marriage.  I don’t tell people this because I didn’t stay pure and I am ashamed.  

I lost my virginity when I was 22 to my best guy friend who I had no romantic feelings for. Biggest mistake of my life and we don’t speak anymore.

I am responsible for two of my best friends losing their virginity also.  When they found out I did it...they then had sex for the first time....on the same day. I still feel guilty for this.

My husband and I had sex before marriage.  We continually tried hard not to do it which then turned into sex only once a month. My family doesn’t know because it would devastate them. They think we were virgins when we got married.  

My blog is my therapist.  Since I have started writing in the past few weeks I can already tell a difference in myself.  

A couple of things that have changed:

• I am not in any better shape than I was last week but I am noticing the good qualities of my body that I still have instead of all the things I hate.
• I am really trying to make a decision about what my next steps in my future might be, instead of just avoiding them.
• I am having more sex with my husband.
• I am praying more.

I feel incredibly vulnerable right now but I think this is a huge step in my journey.  I hate it.