As dark as it gets for me

When I first began this blog I decided I wanted to keep as many details about myself hidden. Well, I think that needs to change.  I was lying in bed tonight...not sleeping...and analyzing my sexual relationship with my husband.  I am really trying to get to the bottom of some of the reasons why I am the way I am.  I will get to that at a later date...it's probably going to take some liquid courage for me to reveal that part of my life. Needless to say I think some of it boils down to me living a very secretive life in a lot of areas.  So this is an attempt of me letting it all out.  These are some of the juiciest details of my life exposed.  

I started masterbating when I was in 7th grade....it always made me feel shameful, but I could never stop.  It continues to make me associate sexuality with shame. 

I fell in love with an army boy who then continued to screw me up for 3 years.  He is mostly responsible for me needing a therapist.  

That led to me becoming a lip slut.  I have kissed almost every male friend I have with the exceptions of the ones I met after meeting my husband.  

When I was 21 I got a tattoo as a promise to God and my future husband that I would stay pure until marriage.  I don’t tell people this because I didn’t stay pure and I am ashamed.  

I lost my virginity when I was 22 to my best guy friend who I had no romantic feelings for. Biggest mistake of my life and we don’t speak anymore.

I am responsible for two of my best friends losing their virginity also.  When they found out I did it...they then had sex for the first time....on the same day. I still feel guilty for this.

My husband and I had sex before marriage.  We continually tried hard not to do it which then turned into sex only once a month. My family doesn’t know because it would devastate them. They think we were virgins when we got married.  

My blog is my therapist.  Since I have started writing in the past few weeks I can already tell a difference in myself.  

A couple of things that have changed:

• I am not in any better shape than I was last week but I am noticing the good qualities of my body that I still have instead of all the things I hate.
• I am really trying to make a decision about what my next steps in my future might be, instead of just avoiding them.
• I am having more sex with my husband.
• I am praying more.

I feel incredibly vulnerable right now but I think this is a huge step in my journey.  I hate it.