I Have To Let You Go

Some day she might read this. I doubt she will, but if she ever does I hope maybe she will begin to understand how much I truly loved her, wanted to help her, and how much she hurt me. 

A couple of years ago I made a great friend.  It was the kind of friendship where you instantly mesh and you feel like you have been friends for a lifetime.  Spending time with her brought me so much joy.  We really understood each other even though we were in two totally different places in our lives.  We spent quite a lot of time together because of work, so we became really close, really fast.  I began to feel as though she would be a friend for life and one of the best friends there could be, and I know she felt the same.  

We no longer worked together and slowly began not spending as much time together. I called, I texted, I emailed, I invited, and I offered to do none of the above but just be there if she needed someone to love her, cry with, laugh with, or just simply be.  I continually poured my heart into our friendship and slowly began realizing I was getting nothing in return.  I didn't care though, I loved her so much I didn't want anything in return.  I knew she just needed a friend to be there, and I was that.

Then suddenly, fire was spit.  I hurt her unintentionally and I apologized over something I didn't even feel I did wrong.  Her friendship was more to me than that petty situation and I made that clear.  She just kept shooting fire and hurtful words as I just kept apologizing.  I truly felt sorry....and sick. 

The next two days I was consumed by our conversation.  I kept thinking I was going to get an apology, but there was nothing.  I thought I would let it cool down for a bit and then respond and let her know how she made me feel.  I was angry.  Angry she was mad over something so ridiculous, angry she was so mean, angry she ruined my vacation, and angry that I cared so much about someone who obviously did not care back. 

I came home from my vacation and I realized the last year of our relationship had been nothing but her hurting me, nothing but her letting me down. It was time for me to let her go.  I can't help her.  I can't fix her.  I want to.  I will always want to.  I will always love her, but I don't deserve to be treated like that...by anyone.  I have a huge heart and I am not going to let you break it anymore.  I will always want to be your friend, and I will always look back at our memories with a huge smile. I will miss you, and I will miss your family, and I am sorry that I can't be there anymore.  

I love you friend. 

 (courtesy of google images)

A day of joy

Today was a beautiful day full of many moments of joy.  My sister brought her third child into this world, but this one, her first girl.  There is something just so soft about a new baby girl.  She grabs us all by the heart and looks at us so intently like she knows she will capture all the love we can possibly give.  We spent the day smiling over her and thanking the Lord for bringing her to us safely.


Once we got home my husband looks at me and says "That little girl, she is going to be my weakness."
That pretty much sums it all up :)

Prayer for a friend

A few weeks ago we had a party at our house to celebrate a friend's birthday.  In the midst of the craziness that was taking place all around us our neighbor took me aside and asked if he could talk to me.  He asked me to keep everything he was telling me a secret, so I have not been able to share any of this with my husband or friends.  This is my way of putting it into the world so that maybe he can get some prayer that will help.  Here is his story.


His name is Greg and he is 32.  He just moved out of his mother's house for the first time in his life.  When he was a young child his dad used to beat him until he was completely bloody.  His mother would intervene and try to help him but then his dad would turn on her.  He beat him until he was a teenager when finally his dad realized that was not the way he should be showing affection to his son.  He showed true remorse and never hit him again.


Wayne, his dad, used to be ex-military who retired and became a car salesman.  He eventually owned his own dealership and was making quite a lot of money.  One day one of the mechanics on site was test driving a car when they hit Wayne.  For years he had to undergo surgeries and take loads of painkillers to even be able to survive the pain.  Years later he grew tired of always being drugged so he began weaning himself off of them.  It was four years ago and Christmas was right around the corner so he was on the roof one night hanging the lights.  He slipped and fell and was rushed to the hospital.  He claimed he was fine but the hospital prescribed him quite a few painkillers to get him through the next few days.  Greg came home the next day to find his dad overdosed and dead on the couch.  He sat in front of me at this party on the back porch and sobbed.  He sobbed so hard he could hardly catch his breath or get out another sentence.  He told me how he will never forget the image of walking in and seeing his dad lying there dead with blood pouring out of his mouth.  His mother falling to her knees in tears at her husbands side.  They have never told anyone that his dad killed himself.  They let people believe it was an accidental overdose.  They spent every dime they had on his dad's funeral.  Eventually they declared bankruptcy and their house was foreclosed on.  


Greg now has a real job, that pays him crap, but at least gets him an apartment and benefits.  You would think he would be in the best place he has ever been.  He has a job and living on his own.  He is not. He is suffering with severe depression and loneliness.  He sat in front of me for an hour telling me how he doesn't want to go on living, and how he does not have anything to fight for.  Greg was just diagnosed a few weeks ago with lung cancer.  He has been smoking for 16 years.  A year ago he was sent to the emergency room for a freak accident at work.  They told him he had a lump on his lungs and that it could be scar tissue or a possible tumor.  He never had the money to get it checked out, so for a whole year this tumor has been growing and taking over his body.  He has no idea what stage it is in.  I convinced him to let me take him to another doctor that could give him a second opinion but only if I agreed not to tell anyone.  


It is quite a burden I have had on my shoulders for these last few weeks.  I can honestly say I have done everything possible to help Greg.  I spent over an hour consoling him on the death of his father and the cancer.  We talked about the grace of the Lord and what he can offer him.  We have had that discussion before but I think this time it really hit home.  He agreed to going to church with us and giving it a shot.  In the meantime I will be praying he opens his heart to the Lord.  


So please, pray for my friend Greg.  

A Love Story

This last weekend I was on a work trip in Florida and I had the privilege of getting to take my husband with me. The last day of the trip Jack and I were finishing up our breakfast in our hotel restaurant when we were approached by an elderly couple.  Turns out our waitress told them we were newlyweds so they thought they should come talk to us, and compared to them, we are.  Bill and June have been married for 69 years so they had many pieces of advice to pass along.  Our waitress later told us that she could tell we were so in love that she assumed we were newlyweds.  That is actually the biggest compliment we have received, as we have been married for 2 years. I know 2 years is not that long of time, but it is so flattering to know others can still see our love.  

We spent the next 45 minutes talking with Bill and June.  They met when they were 15 years old.  Bill admitted to being the “original” stalker.  He said he had to beat up quite a lot of other boys to scare them away from June.  He followed her around for years until she agreed to go out with him.  Their senior year of high school she finally agreed.  They began a relationship until it was delayed for 5 years while he joined the military.  For 5 years she dated other men while keeping in touch with Bill.  She said she was trying to fill the void of him being gone.  He said he was letting her run her course until he came back for her.  As soon as he got back they were married and 69 years later he still looks at her with butterflies in his stomach and hearts in his eyes.  

Lately I have been dealing with many people surrounding me approaching divorce.  Meeting them was such a gift from the Lord to lift me up and remind me that sometimes happily ever after does end like we hope for.  Since we met Bill and June we have felt like newlyweds all over again.  His kisses have given me butterflies and his looks have made me feel beautiful like when we first met.  I can’t wait to grow old with Jack and someday share our story and hopefully inspire someone along the way.  

Passing Along My Lessons

I realized tonight I have made a huge step in my journey.  As I mentioned before I have been living with quite a lot of secrets that I hold dear and keep from a lot of people in my life.  I guess I just never wanted people to think less of me and lose respect for me because of some of the decisions I have made in my past.  Today I made progress.

My work is dealing with a lot of teenage girls.  I love these girls desperately and spend many hours worrying about whether or not they are making smart decisions on the weekends and doing things that would please the Lord.  I have been blessed with a ministry to them. Today they began asking me about my past.  I am talking darkest secrets, regrets, past relationships, love, and most of all SEX.  

If you have ever talked to teenage girls about sex you know it can be very nerve racking.  I have always feared this day.  I knew someday they would ask me if I had sex before marriage.  I always hoped that I would answer honestly knowing I could really help impact their lives for the better, but I never knew if I would have the guts to tell the truth.  A year ago...I would have lied.  Today....I told it all.  These girls want details, and by that I mean they want to feel as though it is happening to them.  If you don’t offer up enough information then they will keep prying until they get the whole story.  I told them the entire story about the relationship that caused me to give up my virginity leading into the action and ending in severe regret.  I was always nervous about telling this to people, but today I learned that I really can help these girls learn from my mistakes instead of making their own.  Their exact response was, “It is so good to hear it from an older persons perspective and know there are consequences for our actions now.”  It could have not gone anymore like I would have wanted.  They really did get the message.  I wasn’t lecturing but just honestly sharing my story.  They say their friends don’t regret having sex but that it’s just all fine and dandy, but my story is different.  It caused lots of heartache and drama and that helped them to see that sex just changes things. 

 I am thankful for the way my story plays out.  I met my husband 4 months after I had sex for the first time.  I didn’t have time after having sex to sleep around before I met him and I am so thankful for that.  I know that if he hadn’t have come along so quickly after that my story might be different and that is something I hope they took away from hearing it.  I hope today maybe I influenced at least one girl to hang out to her precious jewels for just a little bit longer.  

(Courtesy of Google Images)

Sex and Tears

The last week has been quite a rough one for me.  Last Monday my husband (lets call him Jack) and I had a discussion that resulted in my feelings getting very hurt.  I have noticed that I have been a lot more sensitive lately to numerous things in my life.  I haven't quite figured out where this is coming from, but I'll let you know when I do.  Jack and I were discussing my future career and I was asking him his opinion on where he thought I should take my next step.  I am currently in a work situation that is not very stable and quite frankly makes me sorta miserable.  I am really ready to take that next step into a career I know I want to make part of my life and not just another job.  To make a long story short I misinterpreted was he was saying and it really upset me.  That was just the beginning of a long spiral of emotional things throughout the next week.  

I am really working on being more vulnerable in my marriage because I think that will help me let loose sexually with Jack the way I would eventually like too.  I feel as though the last couple of days I have had a whirlwind of revelations that struck quite a few difficult conversations and heavy emotions.  Jack and I were at my best friend and her husband's house last night.  We were watching some raunchy television and enjoying a few glasses of wine.  I was excited to hurry home and get Jack naked when all the sudden our conversation on the drive home took a turn for the worst.  I don't even know how it began but I guess a few glasses of liquid courage kept me from sugar coating things.  All the sudden I blurted "I feel like no matter how much sex we have it is never going to be enough for you."  Its not that I feel as though I'm not giving him enough sex but I have no idea if he is even enjoying what he is getting. I began telling him what I needed from him, which is incredibly difficult for me.  It became not just sexual but in our marriage overall.  I need more words of affirmation in the bed and in our everyday life.  I didn't even know that was something I needed more of until we just began talking it through.  

Don't worry we are getting to the sex.

Last night was tough, there was no sex but just tears and the realization there are things we need to work on.  Tonight was just as tough.  I am constantly trying to become the "freak in the sheets" that every man desires.  I am taking baby steps, but unfortunately they are very small.  I had an x-boyfriend years ago that broke my heart, ripped it to shreds, and burned it by cheating on me.  That is something I have carried with me for years.  There was never any closure to the relationship which resulted in years of serious baggage and distrust for any man in my future.  I learned tonight that Jack is still unfairly having to deal with that baggage.  I found that I am insecurely suspicious sometimes.  I never snoop but often want to.  I never doubt that he loves me but sometimes I find myself thinking about how easy it would be for him to cheat on me.  He has a profession that would allow it without me ever having a clue.  Just recently has this started to cross my mind a lot more often.  Jack is a man of great integrity and respect.  Deep in my heart I know he does everything in his power to be pure but sometimes my mind gets the best of me.  I brought up these concerns tonight and I could see the wheels turning in his head.  What a blow!  Last night I tell him I am not getting enough from him and tonight I tell him I can't trust him.  What a hell of a week so far for Jack.  He is amazing.  He just responds with " I just need to come up with ways to assure you that you don't have anything to worry about.  I just need to be better for you." 

After that conversation we had some of the best sex we've ever had.  He told me how great it was and without him even verbally telling me I already knew.  As soon as we were done I was overwhelmed with so many emotions I just began to silently cry.  I had no idea why and whether they were tears of joy or sadness, but I knew I felt relieved.  

I think I'll wake him up so we can do it again.
 

(Courtesy of Google Images)

Not Enough

I am lying in bed again tonight not sleeping.  I am awake because I can feel my heart literally aching. My husband is asleep next to me and I just begin to cry. 

Here is what I am feeling:

Pain.
Insufficient.
Exhaustion.
Failure.
Love.
Lost.
Insecure.
Doubt.

Since I have starting blogging....I sleep less.


I am not sure if I am not enough for everyone else or if I am just not enough for myself.

As dark as it gets for me

When I first began this blog I decided I wanted to keep as many details about myself hidden. Well, I think that needs to change.  I was lying in bed tonight...not sleeping...and analyzing my sexual relationship with my husband.  I am really trying to get to the bottom of some of the reasons why I am the way I am.  I will get to that at a later date...it's probably going to take some liquid courage for me to reveal that part of my life. Needless to say I think some of it boils down to me living a very secretive life in a lot of areas.  So this is an attempt of me letting it all out.  These are some of the juiciest details of my life exposed.  

I started masterbating when I was in 7th grade....it always made me feel shameful, but I could never stop.  It continues to make me associate sexuality with shame. 

I fell in love with an army boy who then continued to screw me up for 3 years.  He is mostly responsible for me needing a therapist.  

That led to me becoming a lip slut.  I have kissed almost every male friend I have with the exceptions of the ones I met after meeting my husband.  

When I was 21 I got a tattoo as a promise to God and my future husband that I would stay pure until marriage.  I don’t tell people this because I didn’t stay pure and I am ashamed.  

I lost my virginity when I was 22 to my best guy friend who I had no romantic feelings for. Biggest mistake of my life and we don’t speak anymore.

I am responsible for two of my best friends losing their virginity also.  When they found out I did it...they then had sex for the first time....on the same day. I still feel guilty for this.

My husband and I had sex before marriage.  We continually tried hard not to do it which then turned into sex only once a month. My family doesn’t know because it would devastate them. They think we were virgins when we got married.  

My blog is my therapist.  Since I have started writing in the past few weeks I can already tell a difference in myself.  

A couple of things that have changed:

• I am not in any better shape than I was last week but I am noticing the good qualities of my body that I still have instead of all the things I hate.
• I am really trying to make a decision about what my next steps in my future might be, instead of just avoiding them.
• I am having more sex with my husband.
• I am praying more.

I feel incredibly vulnerable right now but I think this is a huge step in my journey.  I hate it.  

Independently Married

I have been doing quite a lot of soul searching over the past few months.  I am in a strange place in my life right now.  I am still newly married enough to enjoy new experiences with each other every day while discovering the security as well as the frailty of marriage.  I feel as though I have a very established life but at the same time I am seeking for where my place is.  I am still really seeking what I should be doing with the rest of my life. I’m searching for where I can make the most impact, where/how I can help the most people, and at the same time enjoy being fulfilled.  I thought that at this point in my life I would have all that figured out.  Little did I know I am just beginning.

Since I have been married I feel as though I am finding myself more everyday, but at the same time I feel as though I have lost a lot of who I am.  I think back to when my husband and I were first dating.  I was freshly out of college with a rock star first job.  I conquered some major hurdles in college that allowed me to see that I was capable of doing anything I wanted to do.  I felt like I was on top of the world and ready to tame it.

As time went by I become an “us” instead of just a “me.”  I used to be that girl on the side of the road changing her flat tire all by herself. My first flat tire after we began dating was when I began to realize I was losing that independence.  I didn’t even think twice about calling him to come to my rescue.  I slowly began to rely more and more on him. I am not too dependent on him because I know I am fully capable of doing things myself, but bottom line is why would I want to do them myself when I can have him help?

I have friends who are married and still have separate bank account and completely keep their finances separate. They are so independent from one another that it is hard to even see it as a marriage. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, it is different for everyone, but for me I would have a hard time feeling as though we were anything more than just roommates.  The whole point of marriage is to have someone to go through life WITH you.  

So how do we find the middle ground of being a strong independent woman, but at the same time allowing ourselves to be led by a man in a relationship?  I love that I have a strong man, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.  I just want to be that strong woman for him, one that depends on him because I want too, not because I have too...the woman he fell in love with.  I may not miss some of the things I used to do or the decisions I made in the past, but I do miss who I was.  I want to be that confident, strong, sexy woman that is just as attractive married as she was single. I don’t mean physically attractive, but the woman that radiates confidence and can make decisions for herself.  

I haven’t quite figured out my middle ground yet.  I haven’t lost myself but I think I might just be in hiding for awhile.  I can tell I am making progress in all areas of my life.  I feel I am becoming more vulnerable to my husband, which is something I constantly battle because I never want to appear weak.  I am slowly finding my confidence again and what it is that can build it and take it away.  I know I will get back to that place but I know it takes work to get there.  

Not a GIRL's girl

Every one has met that girl that only has male friends.  She says she gets along alright with girls but for some reason she just doesn’t seem to have any girlfriends.  How do you get that girl to begin those relationships?  How do you make them see the purity of having women to confide it, and not seek the unhealthy attention from the men?

I used to be that girl.  When I was in college I had a couple of girlfriends that I was really close to but for the most part I had a plethora of male friends.  I enjoyed hanging out with those guys and spent most of my free time doing so.  I would have picked hanging out with a group of guys over hanging out with a group of girls any night of the week.  Back then I think I found a sense of security in being with a group of guys.  I never really cared what they thought of me and usually when your in a group of girls it is harder to be that carefree.  Girls judge girls, that is what we do and I just never wanted to surround myself with that.  I also found confidence in the attention the guys brought me.  There is nothing stronger than the attention from a male that can make a woman feel good about herself (except for maybe a sexy pair of new shoes.) It’s like a drug and can become addicting.  I think that is what happened to me. My intentions in the beginning were pure, but after I was denied the attention from the man I wanted it from I turned to any man that would give it to me.  It became my high and I continued to seek the attention from the wrong source.  It wasn’t sexual for me, well maybe some of it was, but most of it was purely just the company of a male presence that I knew adored me.  They weren’t boyfriends, they were really “just friends” and maybe a few with benefits.  

So how do we make that transition from being a guy’s girl to being a girl’s girl?  I always had a few girls I was close with but it wasn’t until I really starting becoming a woman that I started truly confiding in my girl friends.  As I got older they became my security, my insecurity, my confidence, my wisdom and my confidants. Our relationships then became real.  Real relationships with women can be tough because you have to face the things that make you feel uncomfortable.  Sometimes being with them can make me feel insecure, but that has nothing to do with them.  It has to do with me and what is going on inside me.  It forces me to look inside and fix whatever it is that is causing me to feel that way.  Sometimes it isn’t all dreamy like a relationship with a good male friend can be.  It can be messy and painful, but it can also be the most uplifting relationship of them all.  Your girlfriends can lift you up when you are low, lighten you up when you are dark, and help shape your life in the direction you need it to go.   

Every girl deserves to have this kind of relationship.  If you don’t have one, then take a look at your heart and try to discover why.  What is it that entices you about having so many relationships/friendships with men?  What is it about a friendship with a girl that chases you away.  Get real with yourself and find it, because these are the relationships that you will have forever.  Male friends can only stick around so long.  Once you move into the next chapter of your life and have a boyfriend or a husband those male friendships, no matter how strong they are, will change or fade away.  The women stick around and will be there through it all.  That is worth taking a risk for.  A new friend is exciting so branch out and find one!

My journey to find her

I am going to begin by pouring a bit of my heart out and telling you why I am writing this blog.  Writing has always allowed me to be able to communicate better what I am truly feeling not only with others but mainly with myself.  It allows me to look inside my heart, figure things out, and help me be who I really want to be.  

It has been years since I have written.  I discovered over the last few years that for me writer's block came with happiness. I fell in love and then had no more pain to write about. Life isn't just about being in love and even when you are in head over heels, still give me butterflies love there are always things in your life that are going to be a challenge.  Love can be just as painful as heartbreak and in relationships, marriage and life as a whole there are plenty of topics to cover.

I have a passion for helping others and I feel this could be my voice to the world.  I think most women out there are searching for who they really want to be and I hope this can be a way for others to investigate how to get where they need to be.

So this is me....trying to find the person I truly want to be and this is going to be the beginning of my journey to find her. So as I begin, I am hoping that I can touch someone else's life along the way.